This Little World of Mine
by BKaye
Summary: The one you love, the one you cannot have, the one who would never have you. I know that patience is a virtue, but mine is wearing thin, how much patience are we supposed to have for something that can never be?
1. Chapter 1

**This Little World of Mine**

**A/N: **This is my first fanfic, so as a reader I would expect errors although I promise to try to make as few as possible. As a writer I would love reviews and any constructive feedback, go easy on me though, I am new at this. I hope to update often, but will not sacrifice quality of the content in hopes to update quicker. Remember, reviews are inspiration. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **Although it is sad to admit, I own nothing.

"Every artist was first an amateur." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

My heart shatters to pieces as I watch the one I love rip it from my chest and crush it in her hands. I lean against the wall of the common room after another victorious match for Gryffindor. Cheers and laughter fill my ears, like air into a balloon, my head threatening to burst from all of the noise. I watch her, her beauty mesmerizing me back into the fantasy world inside my head. This world I choose to live in because it is the only thing I wish to be real. Her flowing red hair, long toned legs, porcelain flawless skin, walking through the crowd. I pretend that she is walking over to me, pulling me into her arms, pressing her lips against mine… but she isn't. I look as she pulls Harry into a kiss for all to see. I love him, and I hate him. They have been dating for four months now, and each day I put on the act that I am completely happy for them, that they belong together, that I knew all along that they would be together… and maybe I did know all of these things. It was true that I knew it would happen, but false that I was happy.

I watch as every one crowds around them, congratulating Harry on his magnificent performance, that he truly does deserve. He's a great guy, I love him as though he is my brother, which is why it hurts even more that he has the privilege of holding onto the object of my desires. Even if they don't work out and by some miracle she would give me a chance, it could never be, I could never betray Harry in that way. I pretend in my own world that she had chose me first, that it was me that she wanted all along, and that Harry, and Ron, and everybody that we knew supported us, and they knew we were the ones that we supposed to be together all along, but of course, this is all in my mind because I know that it can never happen. No one knows of my dark secret, how could I possibly tell anyone of this? Ginny is not only the object of my desires, but my best friend, the only person I can confide in, and of course there is no way that I could tell her how I feel about her, my whole world would be over. So inside of me it must stay, hence, my little fantasy world.

"Hermione!" I hear someone call out pulling me out of my thoughts. I look up to see Ginny walking straight towards me, her smile lighting up the room and making me melt inside. "Why are you standing over her all by your lonesome?" She asks nudging me in a playful manner that I of course try to read further into, although under false pretenses.

"You know me, I'm not much for big celebrations, although Harry did great in today's match. He is brilliant." I scold myself for complementing him in any way, though everything I say is true.

"He is isn't he?" She says more to herself than to anyone at all, and another piece inside me dies just a little more. "Though, he better be good with all of the practices he puts everyone through." She says looking over at me giving a small laugh and I laugh with her because I have heard the horror stories of Harry's practices.

"He just wants to be sure that we will cream Slytherin in every match we have against them." I say simply trying to keep up conversation, afraid that if I stop talking she will get bored and walk away from me.

"Like they ever have a real chance against us?" She laughs boasting with pride and confidence, a thing I have grown to love about her. "So, what do you say we go for a walk around the grounds, I'm with you on this whole noise thing being a bit too much?" She says with an underlying seriousness to her voice.

"Sound good, I'm getting a bit of a headache from being up here anyways." I say glad to be away from the festivities and actually spend some time with Ginny. We walked down towards the lake in comfortable silence, standing close, not too close, not close enough. After a while she linked her arm around mine and put her head on my shoulder as we continued to walk, an innocent gesture that again I wish I could read into.

"So how have you been lately?" She asked me finally breaking the silence.

"I've been good I guess, you know how Snape likes to pile on the homework, but of course I still have great friends to pass the time with." I say and look at her with a smile and lightly squeeze her arm in what I hope is a friendly manner.

"That's not what I meant and you know it." She says looking at me with an expectant look. After a moment of silence and me not saying anything she finally speaks again. "You seem so distant lately, you always seem to space out and you barely talk to me anymore." The hurt look on her face was evident as we stopped walking and she turned to face me.

"What do you mean I barely talk to you anymore? We're standing right here talking, I talk to you everyday that isn't fair of you to say Ginny." I say flatly returning her gaze.

"Yes, we talk everyday, but not seriously, you used to tell me everything that was on your mind, and now, we make idle chat, but not like we used to. You should be able to tell me everything Hermione and you know it. I feel like you are avoiding me lately, and to be honest I'm a little hurt by it." The hurt growing in her eyes was killing me, I wanted to hold her and tell her everything, but I couldn't, I knew better than to do that.

"Ginny, I'm not avoiding you, and I'm sorry that you feel that way, you're my best friend, I don't want you to think otherwise." I say to her sincerely pulling her into a hug making sure to keep it brief for fear that I may never let go. She returned the hug and as we pulled apart she gave me a small smile.

"Good, and if I find out that you aren't telling me everything, I'll have to hex you." She stated with a matter-of-fact tone, then laughing. I laughed with her, knowing that if she ever did find out my secret she would do way more than hexing me. We started back towards the castle, knowing that people would come looking for us soon, bound to notice that Ginny was missing from the celebration. "You know you can trust me right?" She stated as we reached the castle.

"Of course I do Gin, I would trust you with my life, and I hope that you know that." I say, holding more truth than even she knows.

"Good, I would trust you with my life too." She says one last time before we continue the rest of the way in silence once more. _If only you would let me have the chance. _I think to myself, once more retreating to my fantasy world.

**A/N:** Yes? No?


	2. Chapter 2

**This Little World of Mine**

**A/N: **Thank you to those who reviewed, I hope that I can keep your attention with this story. This chapter is a little longer and will jumpstart the rest of the story. And a special thank you to **ratster44817** who gave me a bit of a confidence boost, I hope this chapter does not disappoint you.

**Disclaimer: **I still do not own anything, sadly.

"Inspiration and genius-one in the same." -Victor Hugo

After returning to the common room time seemed to speed up. The cheers refilling the air the moment we walked back in, and in that same moment Ginny left my side to go and find Harry. As the night came, more and more people left to go to their rooms, leaving only a few stragglers in the common room along with Ginny, Harry, Ron, and myself, who were all sitting around the fire place. I gazed lazily into the flames while the others talk about who knows what.

"Hermione." I hear suddenly brought back to reality, "Are you alright?" Harry asks me, and I could have died at the sincerity he said it with.

"Of course Harry, I was just distracted in my own thoughts, I'm sorry." I tell him the truth, well, at least a part of the truth.

"Probably thinking about an essay you have to write huh?" Ron laughs and punches Harry in the arm who laughs with him while I just throw him a look causing both of them to laugh harder.

"Why is it that if I am trapped in my own thoughts it must always be about school?" I snap at Ron a little more harshly than I had intended, but he seemed not to mind because he just smiles at me.

"It doesn't, you know I'm only playing, if it wasn't for you, I think that we would all be in trouble and not just with our studies." He says again as he and Harry laugh a little more. I smile back to show them that I'm not actually upset. I glance over at Ginny all curled up against Harry and my first thought is that I want to hurl at how cute they are together, my next was that Ginny was looking back at me, not laughing with the guys. I try to hold her gaze, thankful that I can at least be near her in this moment, but the look she is giving me is too intense and I back down and look away, not daring to steal another glance. I decide that my time down here is over and that I should just get some rest.

"I'm going to head upstairs I think, long day after all." Harry and Ron both tell me goodnight, and that they will see me in the morning, Ginny simply stares at me again, no words, no movements, nothing. I'm lost in her actions, or rather lack of actions, I tell her goodnight and she seems to realize how odd she must look because she blushes slightly and bids me good night.

Once upstairs I laid on my bed, knowing good and well that I would not be getting much sleep tonight. Every time that I closed my eyes all I could see was Ginny staring at me, and all I could think about was what is she thinking right now, though I figured it was probably her just spacing out not even knowing that she was staring at me.

The next morning when I woke up, not even remembering when it was that I finally fell asleep, I felt better, assuming that the rest really did do me some good. I quickly got dressed and headed down for breakfast. When I finally made it to the Great Hall Harry and Ron of course were already indulging. "Good morning boys." I said cheerily.

"Morning. You look better today, and definitely a lot happier." Harry smiled, please to see me in a good mood.

"Yeah, I like this Hermione better." Ron added and laughed and once more I threw him a look hoping to shut him up, though the food he had stuffed in his mouth seemed to be doing a better job at it than I was.

"Thank you Ronald. Anyways, Harry what are you up to today, possibly your essay?" I ask even though I already know the answer.

"Well actually, I need your help with it." He said and look at me with the saddest face that he could muster, it was moments like this, that I remembered why he was my best friend.

"How many times do I have to tell you to not put these things off until the last minute." I scold him, part of me serious, the other part just being playful.

"I know, I know. It's just so much work though, I wouldn't mind writing it if it was shorter, or even maybe just something more interesting." He said, and I couldn't really blame him.

"Hey guys." I hear Ginny's voice as she sits next to Harry and kisses him on the cheek. I push my plate away from me no longer hungry. "So Hermione, we should hang out today, you know, just us girls and let the boys be, well, boys." She says laughing.

"I told Harry that I would help him with his essay today." I say apologetically.

"No you two should hangout besides, me and Ron can put out heads together and get it done, I know he still has to do his." He says, while Ron gives him a look of disgust.

"Are you sure, I really don't mind helping you?" I ask, hoping that he wouldn't change his mind.

"Of course, right Ron?"

"I guess so, doesn't seem like I have much of a choice." He replies upset that he has to do the work himself.

"Alright so I guess it's just us then." I smile as I look at her, scared when I see her staring at me with that same look that she had last night. "Want to head down to the lake, it's a really nice day outside?"

"Yeah we can go right now, I'm not really hungry. You okay with that Harry?" Sickened that she is asking for his permission.

"Of course, try not to have too much fun will you?" He laughs and they share a sweet kiss.

Ginny smiles at him and stands up and I follow her out of the Great Hall and outside to sit by the lake. The whole walk down there is once again one that is silent. Only instead of it being a comfortable silence there is a lot of tension, and I can't for the life of me figure out why. Every time that I look over to Ginny she is just staring straight ahead of her, her face expressionless. I wish that she would say something, anything to end the silence. I would say something, but I have no idea what to say.

As we finally reach the edge of the lake, she sits down and pats the grass next to me silently telling me to sit down with her. I do so willingly. "So." She says, and I swear I let out a breath that I wasn't even aware that I was holding. "I thought you told me yesterday that you trusted me?" She asks and I'm so thrown off guard by her statement that I can't seem to be able to speak. "You told me that you would trust me with your life didn't you?" She says finally looking at me, and I can see something in her eyes, but I can't put my finger on what it is.

"I did, I mean, I do trust you with my life Ginny what are you talking about?" Still trying to figure out that look in her eyes.

"That's obviously not true." Hurt? Betrayal? Confusion? I've seen this look before but where?

"Gin, I do trust you, I promise you that I trust you, what makes you think that I don't?" I ask trying to get a clue on why she is acting this way.

"Because you are hiding something from me, and I know it, so don't even try to say that you aren't." She eyes me suspiciously almost as if she can read my mind. I freeze at the thought that maybe she can read my mind, maybe she can hear my every thought, but I shake it off knowing how ridiculous that would be.

"I'm not though. I'm not hiding anything, what would I possibly have to hide, I spend all of my time with you, Harry, and Ron." I say wishing she would just be blunt about this, like she normally is.

"You could be hiding several things, you're the smartest witch of our age, and you know it. I'd rather you just tell me what has been on your mind lately." Her voice cracks at the very end like she is about to cry, and all I want to do it die. I know that she is catching on, and all I can hear is the sound of my heart beating out of my chest, and I wonder if she can hear it too.

"You wouldn't understand Gin." I finally confess.

"What the hell do you mean I wouldn't understand?" She yells at me, her face turning red with her famous temper. "So you are hiding something from me then? I knew it." She continues to yell but now I can hear for sure the tears she is trying to choke back. "Why won't you just tell me?" She asks, no longer yelling but more so whispers to me, full on crying now, the tears rolling down her face and I can't help but to reach out and wipe the tears away.

"Because, it's something that I have to deal with all by myself." I tell her trying to let her know that I want to tell her but I can't.

"It doesn't have to be though. I'm supposed to be your best friend and you can't even tell me what is wrong with you, you don't have to deal with anything on your own. You never let Harry do anything on his own." I cringe inside at the mention of his name.

"This is different, this isn't a life or death situation like Harry is always in. This is my problem and my problem alone." I say a little bit louder than I meant to, making her flinch just a little.

"That's bullshit and you know it." She says, her anger starting to come back.

I start to cry because I know that I'm going to tell her the truth, that everything is going to come out and though a weight will be lifted from my shoulders, my world will come crumbling down. "I can't have you hate me Ginny. I can't bear to think about what this would do to us, our friendship." I cry at her, and I know that she can see the pain that I am in.

"I couldn't hate you Hermione, you're my best friend, and if you don't tell me then that just tells me we aren't that great of friends at all." The last bit stings and I know she knows she struck a chord with me because I cry harder. She moves closer to me begging me to tell her.

"I'm in love." Is all I can say before I start to cry even harder, sobbing into my hands afraid to look at her.

"With who? Harry? Is that why you think I would hate you?" She asks in an even tone, and I can't tell if she is mad at the idea or not.

"Of course not with Harry, and not with Ron either, they are like brothers to me." I explain and her face contorts as if she's trying to guess who it could be. "It is someone who could never love me back, someone I can never be with. Someone who holds my heart and doesn't even know it." I finally say and I stop crying because I have no energy left to cry.

"If not Harry or Ron, then who? Who in this school could you love, that would never love you back?" She ask, her voice so soft, as if to comfort me. Its now or never, and I've come way too far to turn back now, she would never let it go now.

"You." And the next thing I know I feel a hand slap me across the face and I look up shocked and in pain just in time to see her running back to the castle in a full sprint. I stayed there at the lake a while longer crying. Knowing that I just ruined my life and lost my best friend.

**A/N: **Do you hate me?


	3. Chapter 3

**This Little World of Mine**

**A/N: **I'm back! Had this written a little while ago but I was and still am, going through a really rough patch with my girlfriend, and things are looking grim. So I apologize for making you wait any longer than necessary and I hope that you still enjoy this chapter and will still keep waiting for me to post more chapters. Also a big thank you to all of the reviews I received, they gave me a much needed smile.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own this, I know, big shocker right?

"Fortune favors the brave." - Publius Terence

I'm not sure how long I sat out at the lake crying. Minutes? Hours? I had no idea, and frankly I no longer cared. Slowly I stood as the sun started to set casting out an orange hue over the horizon. I made my way back to the castle avoiding as many people in the hall as I could afraid of someone I knew noticing that I had been crying, I could feel that my eyes were puffy and red, they burned. As I reached the common room there were only a few people lounging around, most students I'm sure were at dinner.

I climbed the stairs to my room, each step seeming to take just a little bit more out of me my strength becoming weak. As I reach the door leading to my room I rest my head against the cool wood for a moment, hoping to sooth my headache just a little. After a few deep breaths I open the door, ready to reach my own bed and sleep away my thoughts, even though I know they will only haunt my dreams. My eyes focus on the floor as I walk past the door closing it and resting against it hoping I would be alone for at least a few hours, but I couldn't be more wrong.

A new wave of fear envelopes my body, as I look up to see her, sitting on the edge of my bed looking down at her hands. I dare not move for fear of catching her attention, a part of me begins to think that I can just turn around and leave, but the better part of me knows that is not possible. My heart beats as if a person is steadily pounding their fist against a solid oak table, loud enough to where I can't even hear my ragged breathing, I can only feel as my chest heaves up and down rapidly in an awkward rhythm. I'm grabbing onto the wood behind me so hard that I feel the scratches forming in the door and a numbness coming to my finger tips.

"I was wondering how long you were going to stay out there." She says, her voice perfectly even and never looking up from her hands, that are still motionless on her lap. I don't speak, afraid that my voice will betray me, if I speak she will look up, and if she looks up it will only spark her anger yet again. So I remain silent. "It's okay to talk you know? I'm not going to slap you again, and if I felt the need to, you would be able to see it coming this time." She finally looks up at me, and her eyes are just as red and puffy as mine, I was more than shocked to see that was crying, but I'm not sure why, wouldn't I have cried if I were in her position?

"I'm not sure what I should say." I answer truthfully, the words spilling out before I can even realize what I'm saying. I'm nervous, why is she in my room, on my bed, she made her point clear that she was appalled with me, so why add insult to injury? Can she not see the pain that I am?

"Why don't you start with the beginning?" She says like it is the most obvious thing in the world.

"What do you mean?"

"Why don't you tell me about when you first started to have feelings for me?" She asks me with so much sincerity that I'm not sure where she is headed with this.

"I don't think it is really that easy to explain Gin, I mean, it isn't some story from beginning to end, it's really complicated and confusing." I say with a pleading voice, hoping she will let it go instead of making live in my misery any longer.

"Well every thing has to start somewhere right? Even you are logical enough to know that Hermione." She says my name with such grace, when I expected it to be dripping with disdain. "So sit down and tell me." She says looking at the spot next to her, and I'm scared because the last time I did that it lead to me letting out my secret and a very painful slap to the face.

Slowly I walked to the edge of the bed and with each step my fear vanished and was replaced with anxiousness. I sat next to Ginny her eyes boring into mine ready to hear every detail. "I really don't know where to start of Gin, I mean I don't know how to explain everything to you." I said looking right back into her eyes and hoping for a little understanding from her. She just continued to look at me, refusing to break my gaze. "Well, I always thought that you were beautiful." I say without even thinking, feeling the heat on my cheeks as I blush. Ginny slightly blushes too, or maybe she is flush with anger, I'm not really sure. "You were one of the only people to show me any kind of compassion, most people write me off because of my intelligence thinking that I most not have any real feelings, but I do." I pause trying to think about what to say next. "I guess over the years, spending time with you I just realized how great you made me feel, you made me feel special, funny, and even beautiful. You mean the world Ginny, and I'm sorry I couldn't keep this to myself and ruined our friendship." I can't say anymore because my eyes are welling up and I'm staring at my hands sitting in my lap.

"Ruined?" She asks, as I keep staring down. "I will always be your friend Hermione, but you have to understand that I'm hurt and I'm angry at you." I look at her finally.

"Obviously you are angry." I say as I touch my cheek as it stings just a little.

"I said that I was sorry about that, I don't know what came over me." She says and touches my cheek with regret written all over her face, and all I can do is relish in this small form of contact. She pulls back unfortunately. "I'm more hurt than I am angry Mione. I can't believe you would never tell me about this, you are supposed to tell me everything."

"How could I tell you this? Yes, please Ginny, tell me how. Am I supposed to just go 'Hey Gin, by the way I'm madly in love with you even though I know you're in love with Harry, who just also happens to be my best friend'. Yeah, I'm sure that would have went awesome." I say dripping with sarcasm and I'm not sure where that came from.

She looks at me, and I expect her to be mad at me for talking to her like that, but instead I see what looks more like confusion on her face, and for the life of my it's adorable and I have to catch myself before I blush yet again. "You said that you've like me for a long time, me and Harry have only been together for a few months." I gulp realizing my mistake. "So what is your excuse for not telling me before then? I know you say you don't want to hurt Harry, but he wasn't always in the picture."

"I was afraid that you would hate me, and that I would lose you as a friend, and if I can't have your heart to hold, then I at least want your trust as a friend." I say quiet sadly knowing, that I was indeed telling her the truth.

"I would never hate you and you should know that. You have hurt my trust though with hiding this, and no matter what you will always be my friend." My heart breaks a little more, if that is even possible, because I know that I will always be her friend. Only her friend. "I'm just upset with this all because I've been worried about you lately, and you shut out everyone and then I find out that you've been acting so strange because of me. Do you know how that makes me feel? To know that I am the person making you hurt. Do you?" she asks desperately and I can feel the hurt in her words.

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable Gin."

"I'm not uncomfortable, I'm the most comfortable when I am around you actually." She says.

"Aren't you comfortable with Harry?" I ask and regret it the second it comes out.

"Of course I am, but that doesn't mean I don't feel more comfortable around you. I can tell you anything, I can hardly talk to Harry at all, he's wrapped up in his own issues right now, and I understand that, so it doesn't make me mad, but sometimes I wish that he would just listen to me more." She says, and I feel bad for her, because she feels ignored.

"Well if you are willing to let me stick around, you can still talk to me." I say trying to offer her some king of comfort.

"Of course I want you to stick around." she says laughing. "I would go crazy without you, having to deal with Ron and Harry all alone." I join her in her laugh and for a moment the tension in the room is released and I feel at east, but only for just a moment. Slowly the laughter dies down and the tension once again starts to surface.

"What are you thinking?" I ask, just trying to make conversation, and also just trying to see where she stands with me on this whole situation. For a moment she doesn't answer, and I don't push because I'm walking on eggshells, afraid that at any moment she will ignite once more into a wild tangent.

"Do you ever wonder about what life would be like if you had done things differently? Either one thing, or several things?" She asks, and all I think is, of course. I don't answer however because she is already talking again. " Like, what if I had never been caught in the Chamber of Secretes? What if I never met you, or Harry? What if Voldemort had killed Harry, or better yet, if he was never born? What if I had done better on some tests, or tried harder in school? What if Harry had never asked me out? What if it had been you instead?" And she stops her small rant with her last question and my mind is frozen because I never thought about all of these things and the dramatic effect that they could have on our lives.

"I'm not sure, are you glad things happened this way?" I ask her.

"I have to be, because I don't know what it would be like if things had been different. This is the life I know, maybe if things had gone differently it would be better, or maybe it would be worse I don't know, I might not ever know." She says and I hope that she isn't becoming upset.

"People tell me all the time that me and Harry are meant to be together." She says, as I wince and I know she sees because she rushes to finish. "But what if they are wrong? What if everyone is wrong about everything, just because we sound like we were meant to be together doesn't mean that we are right? What about you, do you think that me and Harry are meant to be together.?" She asks, and I feel trapped once again like I did when I first came into the room. I don't know how to answer, I love Harry but I love Ginny as well, if I say no, it seems as if I'm speaking ill of Harry, but if I say yes, I will betraying myself.

"I think that the two of you complement each other very well. That you are very different, but share many common interest, I feel that you two are great friends, but only you two can know if you are meant for each other." I say, trying to evade the question.

"You know what?" She says, looking like she is mad, or maybe she is confused, or maybe I'm just the one that is confused. " I think that is your problem Hermione." And I'm stunned because I don't know what she is talking about. "You say you want something more than life itself, and yet, you are so unwilling to fight for it for fear of hurting others. Sometimes to get what you want, some toes have to be stepped on." She pauses and I forget to breathe because she's touching my cheek again. "Maybe you should learn to fight for what you really want, you might surprise yourself at what you'll accomplish." And with one last smile, she walks out my room, and finally I can breathe again.


End file.
